say hello to the elephant

Well… there are post-it named elephants all over my house, and, I have to say, I find it comforting that the kids don’t even batter an eyelid, when a pink and grey, fluffy, toy elephant is sitting in the middle of the dining room table, with a post-it note saying “Hello Sad-that-I’m-not-a-princess” stuck on it.  We’ve eaten dinner around her for two nights now, and no-one seems to care. This does reinforce to me that these are MY elephants, no-one else’s, and that it is OK to acknowledge them. Clearly, no one in this house is going to think it is weird, question me, or judge me.  They don’t seem to care really – in a good way of course.

Naming Elephants is often a long, hard process (as discussed in previous blog). And I think my “Hello Sad-that-I’m-not-a-princess” Elephant, is soon going to move into the deeper level name/s of “Hello terrified-about-my-lack-of-financial-control & stability” and “Hello devastated-that-I-have-to-start-my-career-again-in-my-40’s”.

Yep, that’s the big stubborn elephant, sitting pretty on the dining room table. There are, of course, other elephants in my home. There’s “Hello Fear-of-making-wrong-decision” Hello Frustrated-at-differing-parent-styles”  “Hello Feelings-of-suffocation” and of course, there are more on some days, and less on others.

What happens now?  What do I do with all these “Named Elephants”.  What I DON’T want to do, is be too scared to express the emotions and feelings that these elephants bring up in me.

If we repress our emotions or stifle them, they don’t go away….. they fester!!!  They make us sick or they make us eat.  Our bodies, essentially, want us to work in balance.

Yin/Yang.

Male/Female.

Hot/Cold

Good/Bad

Slow/Fast

Tall/Short

Strong/Weak

Awake/Asleep

Happy/Sad

Feast/Famine

Breathe In/Breathe Out

When we try and live our lives pretending to be “Happy” every day, where does “Sad” go? How do you know if you are really happy, if you have never been really sad? If you never allow yourself to express your Elephant, you’ll never truly feel it’s opposite.  Not only will you experience the opposite emotion (excitement, joy, relief, safety, comfort, exhilaration),  but also the opposite of an Elephant taking up space in your life – an open free space for you and your energy to flow freely around in. Freeing your soul. Freeing you.

Repressing or ignoring Elephants, boxes us up. When you’re boxed up, your walls are up. You insulate yourself.  eww…

I believe there are two ways we can insulate ourselves;

1)      we can eat – because when we put on weight, our ‘Personal Space’ gets bigger and people can’t get too close. They are less likely to see what’s behind our walls or inside our boxes. It also protects us from ‘exposing our feelings’ to everyone. Food is also a comforting friend. It releases chemicals in our bodies that make us feel good. Eating can also satisfy an addiction – like sugar, and calm down our withdrawls.  The human body is actually designed to crave food, and store it. As primitive man, we were never sure when our next meal was going to be, so it is in our genetic coding & makeup to store fat, and want to eat when presented with food.

2)      we can withdraw – because we don’t feel safe expressing our emotions, we don’t trust that we can keep them hidden, and we are terrified at how “emotional” and “volatile” these feeling maybe when we finally let them out.  We can also fear the consequences on those around us, from expressing deep issues.

I have worked with countless clients, who, when they start to lose weight, start to feel vulnerable, and scared. They start having ‘breakdowns’ and anxiety attacks, because they are starting to “un-insulate” themselves and their true feelings, and this process can be very scary.

Withdrawing, repressing, ignoring and ‘Eating your Elephants’ instead of saying “Hello” to them, having them, expressing them and working out strategies on how to cope with them, means you are trying to live on one side of your “Yin/Yang”. You are out of balance, and this is what makes us sick.  This is what stops us from making healthy choices. This is what makes us choose to box ourself up, & insulate ourself with more food. This is what sabotages the plans we make and the goals we set.

So how do we express these Elephants? How do we set them “free”?

Once you have started naming your elephants, start writing out WHY you believe they are in your life, WHAT you believe you need to do to cope with them, and HOW you believe you will do that.

I believe that because the human race, is essentially, pack animals,  I do believe we need lots of human interaction. We need to talk. We need to share and we need to listen.  Here is what I suggest you do first ;

• Get a blank piece of paper and divide it into quadrants.
• Then, in the top left corner write “Elephants Name”. In the top right corner write “Why it’s here”. In bottom left write “What I need to do to cope” and then bottom right “How will I do this”.

Once you have done this, you will find it easier talking to someone. It will get the ‘stuff’ out of your head, and put it into nice manageable, smaller pieces (quadrants) for you to deal with.

Talking about your Elephant is always going to be hard, but writing out your emotions/feelings, and strategies first, will hopefully make you feel safer about expressing them. It will also help the person you want to show it too.

Next, I want you to pick someone that you can talk to about your quadrants. Approach this person, and ask them if they can help you with an issue, or ask them to just listen/hear you, with no action required – just to be another person to share your thoughts with.  If someone asked you to help them with an Elephant quadrant, I am sure you would be honoured, flattered and grateful. You would also feel closer to that person, and glad that they felt they could share it with you.  Bear that in mind – when you feel apprehensive about asking the other person, remember how special you would feel if they asked you. When you think of it like that….  You are doing this for them, as much as you are doing this for you. 🙂

I thought I’d share with you one of my quadrants, for one of my Elephants. I hope it might inspire you to do one of your own.

Notice that I underlined my feelings/emotions that I am having relating to this elephant. This is an important step, because it is what I am truly FEELING. It’s the emotion I NEED to express. In some cases, I needed to think about the emotion I ultimately want to feel, like “confident” and used the opposite emotion to help me identify what I am really feeling now, like “nervous”.

Now that I have done my quadrant, I not only feel like my emotions are valid, but, that I can have them, discuss them, and work out a way to deal with them. A way that does not involve eating or withdrawing.

So, it’s now time for me to express them to someone. Perhaps this person can also help me add more WHY’s, WHAT’s, and HOW’s…?? Maaa –att!  Where are you?!

Either way, it’s the next step in embracing my Elephant, and staying on my path of health and wellness. It will help keep my Yin/Yang’s in balance, help me break down a wall – or stop me from putting up another one.

And most importantly, it will help me work through issues, learn, and grow – after all, isn’t that what we are here, in this life, for..??

Safe Expressing!!!

Be brave

Cherlisa x