say hello to the elephant

What an emotional, cathartic, bittersweet, emotional day for me…..

Today I came face to face with one of my ‘bigger’ elephants. I didn’t realise how big this elephant was, until, after facing it….. it left….. and my room was empty and massive. The ‘pressure’ gone.

You know that feeling, when you’re in pain – you have broken your arm, or your leg, and its excruciating..? You can feel it throbbing in every cell of your body. You know there is no pain relief for you right now, the only thing you can do is to ‘cope’, moment to next excruciating moment. One painful second at a time. You know the ambulance is coming, you know help is on its way, but you have no idea how long it’s going to take. You just pray, with every concentrated, controlled breath that someone will answer your prayers and the help you need will arrive.

Finally, the Ambulance arrives. Finally, they are here. You can now ‘relax’. You can let let your body ‘be’. What happens then is, that you stop ‘coping’. You let go. You made it. Now that you have help, you FEEL the REAL pain. It’s safe to stop ‘coping’ now. Safe to rest your body for a little, regain some more strength. You can stop ‘coping’ and let the ‘medication’ kick in for a while.  But the pain…. wow…. it’s more than you imagined.

You know that feeling..? You know what I’m talking about…?

……Well…… today … the ‘ambulance’ finally came for me.

12 years of ‘coping’.

12 years of straining to hear if the ambulance was close, – if they were even coming.

12 years of not resting, always being strong, always searching for new coping mechanisms….. finally… the ambulance arrived.

My ambulance arrived in the form of a Paediatrician.

Me, a loving, confused mother, who was always seeking help and answers for her son finally found her “ambulance”. A son she always believed was not “like other kids”. A son she saw struggle with this world, from the day he was born. A son she so desperately wants to understand. A son she needs to know will be safe, happy and ‘ok’, no matter where she is in the world, or where he is in his life.

Today, a Pediatrician, finally said the words, “Your son Eddie, has Aspergers and ADD.”

Finally, it is ‘something’. Finally the ‘pain relief’ and support can begin. Finally, after 12 years, someone officially acknowledges, that “Yes Cheryl, something is not quite right. He is different from the normal. He will do, and process things, differently, and there is support you can access.”  And most importantly, I heard “Yes Cheryl, Eddie will be OK”.

They may as well have also said “You must be tired….12 years is a long time to be coping, listening and praying for that ambulance to arrive with some ‘pain relief’. You can catch your breath now Cheryl. Regain your focus & strength.  There is some support, understanding and knew challenges ahead for you. But rest assure, that one of your burdens have been lifted. No more fighting for an answer as to why.”

The relief I feel right now is overwhelming. I am quite emotional. It really feels like years of searching for an answer has finally ended. It’s cathartic. I am crying hard.

I know my road will still be bumpy, confusing and frustrating, but I can catch my breath for a moment. I can re-focus my energy. I can stop desperately searching for help and answers.

Through tears, I am taking big breaths. I love my sons dearly, and as a mum, I want nothing more in life than to know my babies will be ok. Ok with the struggles of life. Ok with what comes at them.

It wasn’t until today, that I realised just how much ‘pain’ I have ‘coped’ with, until that ambulance arrived. That elephant had been in my room for so long that, I’d forgotten about it, and didn’t realise how big it had grown.

My flood gates have opened. (I really do hope my boys have inherited a little bit of my strength, so that they too can ‘cope’ with  life pains and struggles ‘till help arrives…..)

I’m not sure what happens next. I’m not sure what is around our corner, but right now, I’m going to cry out my ‘coping’ and say “Hello”…. and then, “Goodbye”…. to that elephant called “I wish I knew how to help him”.

The help has arrived.

Sending love to all the shapes… sizes… & differences, in our world.

Love & Peace to all

Cherlisa x